Donkey Kong 64 was one of my favorite games growing up.  Sure, it was very bloated and tedious with all the collectibles and the five playable characters that weren’t always convenient to swap between.  Nevertheless, my duckling self still got a lot of fun out of this clunky, yet charming, platformer.  I already ranked the game’s various worlds, and now it’s time to rank the bosses.  There were some good ones, but boy, there sure were some stinkers, too.  To be honest, I wasn’t originally even going to rank the bosses, but my bitter hatred for a certain boss in particular made me write this post, if only to vent a bit.  At least, the list does end on a decidedly high note!  And as usual, dear readers, don’t be shy about sharing your own thoughts in the comments below!

8: Puftoss – The boss of Gloomy Galleon is just the worst.  (As I’m sure you could have guessed, this guy is the reason I decided to write this post, just to let the world know I hate him!)  While navigating the water on a small boat, Lanky must pass through stars to raise these electrified poles out of the water. After raising five, they will electrocute the boss. Each set of stars is more difficult than the last due to being smaller and having shorter time limits. This fight is super chaotic, as Puftoss will be spitting fireballs everywhere, while even more flames shower down from the sky in later phases (he even has a homing attack in the final round!).  And his shockwave attack really gets in the way of reaching stars that are close to him. This battle feels next to impossible, and I have no idea how my child self did it without the benefit of suspend points!  (Also just hate the sound he makes when he creates shockwaves.  It’s gross.  He’s gross.  And I just feel gross even thinking about him.)

Summary: This boss is annoying and evil and stupidly difficult.  Hate him.

7: Dogadon (Angry Aztec) – Diddy fights this large dragon in Angry Aztec, and there’s really not much to it. The boss shoots fire, lands, then you throw an explosive barrel at him. At least a rather uninteresting battle is better than a miserable one.

Summary: Very basic, but not gross like Puftoss.

6: Army Dillo (Jungle Japes) – The first boss is a huge armadillo with cannons that shoot fireballs! Whenever he stops firing at you, DK can throw an explosive barrel at him. After this, you’d better run, as Army Dillo will then curl into a ball and start rolling around the arena! This is a simple, but adequate, first boss for the game.

Summary: Another basic boss, but he feels just a little less basic than Dogadon.

5: Army Dillo (Crystal Caves) – Army Dillo returns for another showdown with DK in one of the later worlds.  He starts out with roughly the same moveset as he had the first time, with twin cannons and the ability to roll around in his armored shell.  But now, he also has the addition of a pair of jetpacks that allow him to fly into the air and drop down to create massive shockwaves.  When all his attacks continue to fail, however, he attempts one last-ditch effort to defeat DK.  He, quite literally, takes out the big guns, a massive cannon that can shoot fireballs and a homing missile that is, surprisingly, easy to avoid if you just keep running perpendicular to it.  While this guy still never stood a chance against the Kongs, at least I can give him an A for effort and for a more interesting battle than his first attempt.

Summary: Army Dillo all over again.  But now…he can fly.

4: Dogadon (Fungi Forest) – This massive dragon/dragonfly hybrid returns and must be faced by Chunky in world 5.  I originally got stuck on the game because of this guy, but he’s not that hard once you know what to do.  The beginning of the battle mirrors Diddy’s, except with the addition of an unavoidable wall of fire that the boss can send out.  Apparently, the only way to avoid damage is to run to the edge of the arena and hang off the side, but yeah right, like I’m risking falling into the lava!  The second half is the part that really stressed me out as a duckling.  The arena will start sinking into the lava, and you must defeat him before the time runs out!  After avoiding fireballs, you must throw an explosive, then get into a barrel to make Chunky huge.  Then attack the boss as much as you can.  Most people, including myself, assumed Chunky’s stronger punching attack would be ideal here, but it’s really not.  Just pummel him with your usual attacks, and Dogadon will go down much faster!

Summary: Dogadon’s second battle is stressful due to the time limit, but if you just use regular attacks, he should go down in no time.  Punching a dragon is fun.

3: King Kut Out – The boss of the game’s final regular world, Creepy Castle, is literally a cardboard cutout of K. Rool, and that’s…actually why I love this boss.  Clearly, the Kremlings are getting desperate at this point, and this is all they could scrape up on short notice.  King Kut Out will appear over one of the four walls of the castle courtyard, and your job is to launch out of the appropriate cannon to ram into him.  If you miss, you switch to the next Kong in the barrel.  And once you run out of playable characters, it’s game over.  To be honest, the biggest reason I love this boss is because he’s just so dang absurd, particularly thanks to the over-the-top, high-pitched voice as he cackles and bellows.  The fight itself can be a bit wonky, however.  In phase 2, King Kut Out starts shooting lasers, and there can be two of him.  You’ll need to hit the correct, brighter version, not the shadowy one, or it counts as a complete miss.  And in phase 3, he starts switching between walls super quickly, meaning you’ll need to get the timing down perfect.  To make matters worse, sometimes the camera angle can be too low, so I can’t even see him, so that’s certainly annoying!  Nevertheless, Rare held nothing back in terms of sheer hilarity, making this one of the highlights of my playthroughs!

Summary: Goofy cardboard boss whose mere concept alone, alongside the ridiculous voice, never fails to make me laugh.  The Kremlings’ incompetence has reached new heights, folks!

2: Mad Jack – This defective jack in the box is straight from your nightmares. Tiny must fight this guy while traversing a grid of platforms using her helicopter hair.  Whenever Jack stops chasing you, you must press a switch to electrocute him.  As the battle progresses, he will even start shooting lasers and even turn invisible!  (Now that’s one advanced toy!)  Mad Jack is one of my favorite battles in the game because of his design (and creepy, diabolical laugh) and the fact that it’s a fun, varied battle compared to some of the more annoying or basic boss fights in this list. 

Summary: Creepy toy reject with a sinister cackle is absolute nightmare fuel.  That’s why this unhinged jack in the box is one of the most memorable fights in the game!

1: King K. Rool – Naturally, the final battle against the Kremling King himself is going to be the most climactic showdown of the game.  This time, K. Rool’s persona is that of a boxer, and you have to defeat him within 12 rounds (3-minutes each).  If you die, it’s game over, but if you merely run out of time, you have to start the round over.  This is a great conclusion to the game, where each Kong has a unique phase to the fight.  For example, Diddy must fly using his jetpacks and knock the lights onto K. Rool’s head, and Tiny must become small and enter the hole in K. Rool’s shoe and attack his foot.  The final round is with Chunky, and let me tell you, punching this dastardly Kremling in the face so hard that he flies clear across the ring is super satisfying!

Summary: K. Rool never fails to rule.  A comical boxing match between the Kremling King and the Kongs is a perfect end to the game.  I always enjoy humiliating K. Rool in front of his Kremling subjects.