Keeping with the Kingdom Hearts theme, I have been playing the Final Mix versions of the first two numbered games in the series, which features new boss fights, including battles against the members of Organization XIII who had originally appeared (and perished) in Chain of Memories.  This is great because I never enjoyed CoM’s card-based battles, so this allows me to fight these guys in a far more traditional manner.  These battles are challenging, but pretty fun.  What’s not so fun, however, are the Data Battles at the end of the Cave of Remembrance, where you can fight all 13 members of the Organization again…except they’re tougher than ever.  Oh, cool, I guess…  So, after grinding to level 99, I started to take these creeps down one by one, and I thought it would be fun to rank them all.  The order is simple.  Number 13 is the worst, most bullcrap battle of the bunch, while number 1 is the most fun!

13: Luxord – Considering this guy is literally called the Gambler of Fate, I suppose it makes sense his battle is partially luck-based.  But unlike Luxord, I do not gamble.  Because I do not have good luck.  Luxord’s original battle in the Castle That Never Was never really made much sense to me, the way we each have a time-based health bar that depletes over time.  But it never really mattered because I just beat the heck out of him and won despite my complete lack of understanding.  Unfortunately, you won’t be winning Luxord’s Data Battle by being totally clueless.  In fact, you’d better get good at winning his mini games or else the odds of your success are nil.  I just kept getting X’s over and over again, leading to lost time on my part, more time for him, and me getting turned into a card or dice so that I could flounder more than I already was.  Eventually, however, Lady Luck seemed to have taken pity on me because, when all seemed lost, I managed to beat the final mini game where you must get all O’s.  For the first time, luck was now on my side, earning me a much-needed victory.

12: Demyx – Ah yes, the laidback sitar-player who supposedly can’t fight, but has been beating our collective butts since 2005 with his stupid water clones and the need to defeat them within a strict time limit.  Does the phrase “Dance, water, dance!” make your stomach knot itself into a pretzel?  Well, if you’ve ever played KH2, then I already know the answer is yes.  Demyx’s Data Battle takes his worst mechanic and dials it up to 11.  You’ll need to defeat wave after wave of these clones, sometimes as much as 99 within a very short period of time.  Oddly enough, I learned that fire is the quickest way to destroy them, which makes zero sense, but hey, whatever works.  The best strategy is to use your Wisdom Drive Form to wipe them out quickly and to stock plenty of ethers.  Dance, water, dance?  More like, die, water, die!

11: Vexen – Yeah, that’s right, not only did I get my butt kicked by the guy who literally wields an instrument, but I also got annihilated by the guy who hides behind a shield.  But the problem is, he doesn’t come alone, as he enjoys cloning me and making the resulting clone murder me.  That’s gotta cross some sort of ethical boundary, right?  So while your copy is constantly on your tail, juggling you into the air with little ability to escape, Vexen will also be using ice magic that can be equally as difficult to break out of if you get hit by it.  Fortunately, once you manage to break his shield, you can take out his health super fast with fire magic.

10: Xemnas – The leader of the Organization wouldn’t have been too bad had we not been forced to best him in two consecutive battles, the first and last phases of his final boss fight.  On my very first attempt, I made sure to just be very cautious.  (He spends a lot of time just casually strolling towards you, giving my cowardly self plenty of time to heal.)  But then I won, celebrated my victory, only to see Riku had been added to my party.  And then I realized…  In the end, it only took me three attempts to beat this guy, so I’m not even sure if the second battle is too horrible, either.  It’s just that, if you die in part 2, you have to redo part 1, making the whole thing feel more tedious.  I guess Xemnas’ lack of a heart means he’s also not very forgiving.

9: Xaldin – Xaldin was difficult at the best of times.  Now he’s got a constant windy barrier around him that prevents you from damaging him.  The only way to get rid of it is to use the Learn reaction command followed by the resulting Jump attack, and even then, you’ll only get a few seconds to do damage.  At level 99, I beat him on one try.  But this try took 20 minutes.  What fun.

8: Saix – This guy isn’t that bad, just incredibly tedious.  Once his moon meter fills up, he goes beserk, but unlike his original battle, he will not calm down on his own.  No, this Nobody’s tantrums will last until you’re able to successfully steal his weapon and attack him with it.  But the opening to use the reaction command is insanely unforgiving.  The best thing to do is to keep using reflect magic to avoid his attacks so that you can be near the epicenter of the chaos when he throws his claymore, making it easier to grab it than it would have been had you been trying to avoid his attacks altogether.

7: Axel – This fiery hothead lights the entire floor on fire, leading to constant and steady damage.  The only way to stop this is to attack him until he jumps into the wall of flames surrounding the stage, then try to do the resulting reaction commands very quickly to attack him and temporarily extinguish the flames.  Once you master that, this battle isn’t really that tough.  But until then, you will be feeling like a rotisserie chicken.

6: Lexaeus – This buff dude will continuously power up throughout the battle, getting stronger and stronger until I’m surprised Sora isn’t crushed into a fine powder before his might.  Even so, he’s not too difficult if you just block his attacks with reflect, then attack when you get the chance.  Just as Lexaeus doesn’t talk much, I don’t have much to say about this guy, either.

5: Zexion – This bookworm isn’t too tough, just annoying.  Considering he’s more of a schemer than a fighter, it’s no wonder he does his best to keep you away from him, including trapping you and your friends in books and hiding in them himself.  Honestly, as irritating as this battle can be, Zexion at least has some interesting attacks, such as the one where your commands are changed into pages that you must scroll through until you find the option to escape.  Zexion is like a gnat.  Annoying as it flies around your face and hard to hit, but not that hard to squash once it’s within your grasp.

4: Larxene – Sporting lightning magic, Larxene is super fast and can even duplicate herself.  Despite her speed, I annihilated her fairly quickly with some good, old-fashioned button mashing while in Final Form.  She may be quick on her toes, but she was no match for the fury of someone who still has a heart.

3: Roxas – Roxas is frighteningly tough for his age, and he kicked my butt so many times when I first encountered him in the World That Never Was.  This time, however, at level 99, I was far more prepared.  If you’re quick with reaction commands, you can even steal his keyblades on occasion, though he continues to put up an admirable fight!  Roxas is challenging, but certainly do-able.

2: Marluxia – You spend this battle with a counter over your head, and every hit you take reduces that counter.  You can block Marluxia’s attacks and gain the reaction command to restore your counter, but I’ve never been good at it.  Despite the gimmick, this battle feels surprisingly fair, and I managed to beat him after a few tries without having restored my hit counter a single time.  This is one of the few Data Battles I actually thought was fun.

1: Xigbar – Aside from being generally stronger, Xigbar’s battle isn’t much different from his original fight, with one exception.  Once he goes into sniper mode, he will not stop until you use the reaction command.  But if you start mashing triangle after he shoots at you a couple times, you’ll probably be fine.  Considering I always loved Xigbar’s battle, with the way he warps the battlefield around you and the amusing way he hangs upside down in the air, I actually enjoyed this one.  This is one Data Battle I wouldn’t mind trying again some time.